01 March 2016

Leap Year Awaiting

I'm waiting for this moment long time ago, when I was single, when I have nobody to share my love. I'm waiting for this moment with someone that can love me back. I'm waiting and dreaming, if one day I have a person that I really would settle down with, that can share my tears and laughters, ups and downs, I'm going to mark a very memorable journey on my life, but I have to wait for...


I planned everything by myself. I plan my journey, yes I do. Like always.  This year, I strategised my aim for my victory. I want to be a cabin crew. I always regret my past, the MAS stewardess offer. I want to get good pay, be in different place, be in long-distance relationship so that we don't take each other for granted.

I went to Northern part, to the interview, hoping that I get my dream job again. I got my hair, my nails and my eyebrows done. I wanted to bring a good news, to my family, and him. I took the risk. I invested my time and his money, and I thought it would be perfect for me to... propose him on leap year, if only I get the job.

Unfortunately, I failed. I failed to bring any good news. After all, I failed to propose him on leap year. My plan went wrong, and it get worsen since the day I came back. It was my worst nightmare. Worst than our beating part early this year.

I smelt something fishy. I felt for few months, actually. The heat is no longer there. No more cheerful moment, no more funny note on sticky pad, no more. Everything became different. Please became order. Love turnt violence. Security became threats. Trust became insecurities.

I knew, I knew it. One day the day will come.  I caught him flirting. I confronted, even I'm scared what if I've got beaten again? I accidentally read his messages on Facebook, he forgot to log out. I'm afraid to trace the conversation from earlier. Is he flirting with the girls behind my back all this while? Why would he do that? I confronted, and persuaded him that I will handle as an adult this time. I asked, 

"Do you really love me? Please be honest." 

I'm ready, even though I know honesty hurts. And it's true, he is struggling with monogamous  relationship with me all this time. He said he loves me, but he just don't know whether he can go on or not. But of course, he's not flirting. I choose not to trust and not to believe, because he is, Ayam Fared. The ugly rainbow warrior with dishonesty who always persuasive in defending himself. 

My heart sank. Deep inside, I was screaming like a bitch, but I kept it to myself. All this while, the point of him getting into my insecurities after provoking and triggering, is just for the sake to make I act like a bitch, and he got point to pull out of this monogamous relationship? How could him? Of course I failed to handle it like an adult.

I started to fell I'm struggling with my insecurities, the day I choose to be with him. Live with him. I left everything I got. Now, I am no longer like myself years ago before I met him. I have no fulltime job. I became more aggressive and violent. I'm struggling with anger management problem, again. My insecurities trigger everything that night. I'm no longer myself, like years ago. I lost hope. I lost trust. I'm facing it again, this time I'm alone.

I know he will read this, someday somehow. I never regret writing my cheap confession. It felt so strange, the person that you can visualise in future to live with, is yet far from my reality by close distance. Even we are just friends in future, my visual about living in a commune and riding a Kombi, starting to fade. I will never erase, but I will let it erased by time.

"Waiting is nothing, 
but to keep the moment of awaiting might kill"

Happy leap year, cheater.

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