13 December 2014

Abah. Mama. Cikoni. Maktam.



11 December 2014

Pahala untuk mereka, dosa buat saya

Kalau saya sejenis manusia yang percaya pada agama dimana pahala menghala syurga dan dosa menghala neraka, pastinya saya hadiahkan pahala saya untuk mama abah tanpa rasa meminta simpanti-Nya. Sebab saya tahu, tempat saya disitu. Saya melihat kehidupan selepas mati lebih membahagiakan, bila Yang Berkuasa mengadili hidup mati bukan seperti manusia menilai dosa pahala.

Saya meluah bukan untuk menghukum diri saya sendiri kerana, agama saya semuanya tentang kepercayaan saya.

Itu sahaja.

06 December 2014

Faktab

Let's roll a joint since there's no turning point.

Ambition

When i was six, i wanted to be a teacher

When i was seven, i wanted to be a doctor
When i was nine, i wanted to be an engineer

When i was thirteen, i want to be a stewardess
When i was seventeen, i want to be a dentist

When i was eighteen, i wanted to be a primadonna
When i was twenty, i wanted to be a nightclub singer
When i was twenty two, i wanted to be an actor

And when i am twenty four, all i want is just to be happy, crazy and free.

25 November 2014

From Jolie To Pitt



“My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.
And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.
If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.
Brad Pitt”

Dear Poet-peteer

Champion your words before you become a poet.
Because people curse, and they tend to keep it as secret.

Eff-mean your words even with tears.
Because a poet is not a puppeteer.

21 November 2014

Zaman Kentot Tengah Wangi



Sedang menunggu Man Celak bersama violin sebelum sesi recording Simfoni Ketiak Berachun.

Location : Rooftop Findars, Jalan Sultan. 



17 November 2014

Ponti Sunti Di Malam Hari



Mengeluh jangan hari-hari
Bersedih jangan sampai ke pagi

Kan masih ada tangan kanan dan otak kiri? Apa yang kau nak lagi? Tak cukup dengan apa yang Tuhan kasi? Tunggu apa lagi hah Ponti?

Cari!


13 November 2014

Cheeky Chicky

The reason why I keep falling in love with the same animal again and again. 

10 November 2014

Adik. Kakak. Abang.

Sedang sepasang kekasih melayan perasaan masing-masing, diiringi alunan cerita Sixto dua minggu sebelum Hari Natal, si perempuan teringat akan mama dan abahnya yang sedang menghabiskan masa tua mereka di sebuah banglo yang masih belum habis dibayar.

Minggu depan, si perempuan bercita-cita tinggi untuk kembali berlari, di sebuah jambatan baru siap di kampung halamannya. Si perempuan lantas berniat mahu menjejakkan kaki di banglo itu.

Dua minggu lepas, adik bongsunya meminjam telefon bimbit rakannya di asrama, malu-malu minta hutang tuisyen yang tertunggak 10 bulan untuk dijelaskan. Adik bongsunya juga segan-segan minta wang RM400 untuk pertandingan orkestra yang bakal disertainya. Kebetulan, si perempuan baru dapat gaji. Jadi, separuh dari gajinya adalah rezeki si adik. Maka si kakak mengalah untuk perancangan yang belum ada persiapan.

Sedang Sixto mengeluh tentang hidup, muncul sebuah MPV hitam milik majikan yang pernah menjadi kenderaan si perempuan untuk ulang alik ke Publika, melintas laju betul-betul di hadapan si perempuan.

"You cakap abang you takkan makan kat tempat macam ni"

Si perempuan diam.

"Tengok, orang kaya pun datang makan kat sini"

Si perempuan masih diam. Kemudian bersuara.

"Raya hari tu I dah minta maaf dengan abang I"

TAMAT

05 November 2014

Hoax-er

You are so fucking nice and genius, until people cannot say fucking bad things about you, or even disagree with you.

Dominant
Disrespectful
Arrogant

Don't worry, people won't believe that 3 words. You are always, a Winner, to a Loser.

Wait, is it a reflection of my attitude?
Is it a reflection of my treatment?

Tips : Silence is the best reply for an argument.

04 November 2014

Sana Sini Sibuk!

Orang lain sana sini sibuk dengan anugerah, tapi dia sibuk tolong adik-adik tadika dan sekolah menengah.

Orang lain sibuk tunggu jemputan, tapi dia sibuk buat perancangan dengan kawan-kawan.

Orang lain sibuk ke salon nak cantikkan rambut, tapi dia sibuk paksa kekasihnya leraikan rambut.

Orang lain sibuk cari baju sponsor nak ke Seremban, tapi dia sibuk pilih-pilih shortpants nak ke LRT Ampang.

Orang lain sibuk dengan hashtag di media sosial, tapi dia sibuk tekan Nokia lampu picit sambil berbasikal.

Orang lain sibuk meredah trafik, tapi dia sibuk tekan radio pilih playlist.

Orang lain sibuk nak bikin filem screening luar negara, tapi dia sibuk berangan nak buat tayangan dekat kampung secara percuma.

Orang lain sibuk review Hanyut, dia sibuk menghembus balut.

Orang lain sibuk nak buat duit bila berkarya, tapi dia sibuk promote "an actor is also a thinker" beriya-iya.

Orang lain sibuk nak pentaskan semula naskah, tapi dia sibuk perah otak supaya idea dikerah.

Orang lain sibuk atur jadual nak shooting interview bagai, dia sibuk atur jadual ke Ayaq Hangat, Rumah Api, Findars ke Kebun Kaki Bukit bagai.

Orang lain sibuk berselfie dekat mall dekat restaurant mahal, dia sibuk bawak kawan-kawan berzina dengan kesemulajadian.

Orang lain sibuk merancang masa depan, tapi dia sibuk meraikan hari dan lupakan semalam.

Orang lain sibuk, dia pun sibuk. 
Maka jadilah mereka semua si penyibuk. 
Yang membezakan mereka, hanyalah pilihan untuk menikmati kebebasan.

Perempuan Penyibuk Yang Tersepit Dalam Dua Dunia (4 November 2014)





Vorfreude

How does it feels to swim in Amazon? 
How does it feels to study Shakespeare in college?
How does it feels to perform at Royal Albert Hall?
How does it feels to fly like Nightingale?
How does it feels to make love with Jesus?
How does it feels to travel with Nicholas Saputra?
How does it feels to sleep with Basheeba?
How does it feels to mollest Mother Thresa?


...how does it feels to be special and to get the attention?

07 September 2014

damoN

FOOD
SHELTER
CLOTHES
TRANSPORT
MONEY

Everything begins now!

04 September 2014

To Whom It May Concern

My feet are meant for travelling, not to walk in someone else's shoes. 

03 September 2014

Street Boy

That compliment for waking up him gently, should be a gentle reminder for a singa betina like me.

31 August 2014

Cita-cita Saya #DiSiniLahirnyaSebuahCita

Dulu saya ada cita-cita.
Cita-cita saya ialah mencapai cita-cita mereka.
Saat saya tidak mampu lagi mengejar cita-cita mereka, saya tahu cita-cita saya sudah berkecai.
Sekarang, saya dah tak punya cita-cita.
Sebab mereka langsung tak gembira dengan saya.

Tapi saya takkan salahkan mereka sampai mati sebab cita-cita saya yang tak kesampaian.
Itu janji saya pada mereka masa saya bercita-cita dahulu.

07 August 2014

A Gentle Self Reminder

There's a one point when you feel your family and loved ones trigger you to think that they look down upon your weaknesses for a sturdy reason when you are struggling to catch your dreams, once in a while.

You feel,
No one believe in you,
No one trust you,
No one listening to you,
No one pay attention to you,
And there's no ending about how you feel!

You think,
You are right, they are lying, 
You are strong, they are provoking,
You are motivating, they are frustrating,
You are everything, they are doubting,
And there's no ending about what you think!

Still wondering why a tragedy end up with a conspiracy? Feel how you feel, think what you think. 









07 July 2014

Rama Dhon Na

Malibu yang diburu 
Pallmall yang dihembus
Baju tak cukup kain
Muka mintak penampar

Sekali pandang macam perempuan sundal
Dua kali pandang macam anak derhaka
Tiga kali pandang macam kakak kawasan
Empat kali pandang macam pelacur cari makan
Lima kali pandang macam bohsia jalanan
Enam kali pandang macam baru ditinggalkan

Entah apa yang difikirkan, sampai rasa nak sepak terajang!

24 June 2014

Separuh otak sudah mati

Separuh otak sudah mati
Diracuni virus ciptaan sendiri
Kapasiti demi kapasiti
Tak mampu menampung memori duniawi
Tak mampu mengklasifikasi teritori
Juga zat-zat tanah, angin, air dan api
Tak mampu menepis obsesi si pesimis

Separuh otak sudah mati
Akibat gagal berfungsi
Akibat gagal berbakti
Akibat gagal berkongsi
Untuk yang keberapa kali
Separuh otak mati lagi


03 June 2014

Bila Dia Yang Hampa, Mengapa Kau Yang Berduka?

Terima sajalah kenyataan
Saat aku betul-betul putus harapan
Lenyap semua kepercayaan
Yang ada hanyalah angan-angan

Terimalah kenyataan
Bahawasanya hidup aku tanpa jiwa memang menghampakan, bukan?



Apahal?

Kenapa macam tu?
Kenapa tak macam ni?
 
Sampai satu tahap, rasa meluat dengan diri sendiri makin meluap-lupa!

07 May 2014

Ikal Mayang

Cipap yang dilancap sedap
Bukan alasan untuk si pelahap
Menembus dinding separuh siap
Walau dia meraung sambil meratap
Akhir sekali yang diharap
Nikmat kasih sayang bila bergelap

Pada yang gigih meminta digilap
Jangan dia kau jadikan bahan kudap
Sebab aku pemerhati dalam senyap

29 April 2014

Rindu Gila

I'm not a driver of 2-seated car, working at conglomerate company and spend my weekend tee-off at 6am. 


Being apart with you, is no longer my fear and weakness by choice. I love you, and I don't need you to love me back. You will always be my best man. 


05 April 2014

PMS : Insecurity

Mana-mana kumbang pun takkan hisap bunga tak bermadu.
Mana-mana kumbang pun takkan dekat dengan kelopak bunga yang suram.
Mana-mana kumbang pun takkan hinggap bunga yang berbau ancaman.

Dulu warna-warni, sekarang kurang fancy.
Dulu kembang riuh setaman, sekarang diam tak berteman.
Dulu kitaran seimbang, sekarang mula bimbang.

Jadi, yang menanti hanya alatan atau bahan pemati buat hidupan yang mungkin dah tak bererti.
Pergi mati buat makhluk yang percaya kumbang itu lelaki, bunga itu ialah perempuan.

Equality bukan tentang dominasi dan emosi bukan tentang ekperimentasi!



27 March 2014

La La Land

Growing up with Mickey and Minnie during my childhood, and being a Disney-Channel-teenager, somehow drives me crazy to spend my penny to Disneyland.

I thought Disneyland will be the perfect happy ending for an eager-girl who seek for happiness.

As I'm growing older (or maybe getting more wiser) , there are so many ridiculous bills that I have to pay, so many unwanted life-crisis that I have to deal, so many risky challenges I have to face. Soon, I realized I'm struggling really hard at my own land. 

Today, I dream of having a piece of land, where I can sustain a simple life of my own. 

I wanna eat what I plant. 
I wanna sleep on a tree. 
I wanna pet a dog.
I wanna swim in a river. 
I wanna lie under the sun. 
I wanna sculpt the clay.
I wanna paint the canvas. 
I wanna camp with my sisters. 
I wanna spend my time gardening with my dad.
I wanna spend my time cooking with my mom.
I wanna spend my time watching movies with my brothers.
I wanna live in a community where we share the same interest.
I wanna live with a Nightingale.

Yes, I dream of having my own Dreamland.

21 March 2014

Awal & Akhir

Akhir sekali,
Hanya dengkuran dan hembusan nafas yang masih jadi peneman, 
Seperti malam-malam biasa.

Dan juga seperti pagi-pagi biasa,
Yang terakhir masih yang terawal,
Menjawab teka-teki yang tak pernah selesai.

19 March 2014

Rindu Yang Terpaling Keliru

Tiap-tiap malam menangis
Dalam tikaman separuh bengis
Betapa dalamnya dihiris-hiris
Pedihnya lagi digilis-gilis

Raut wajah orang tua yang dirindu
Sesekali bau tubuh kalian ku terhidu
Bebelan, keluhan yang jauh membisu
Janji apa yang aku tabur dulu-dulu?

Aku yang masih lemah longlai macam bangkai,
Jangan kau biarkan aku tersadai.

TUHAN,
Yang buta KAU celikkan,
Yang palsu KAU nyatakan,
Yang buruk KAU indahkah,
Yang rindu tolonglah KAU ubatkan.

Aku tak punya siapa-siapa,
Yang Maha Mendengar cuma KAU.

11 March 2014

IWD Post-Celebration : Unspoken Truths

3 jenis layanan sejak awal tahun 2014 yang terpaksa diterima kerana diam itu lebih baik (pada ketika itu) ialah :

Cacian
Ugutan
Makian

Maka, diam saja. Duduk diam-diam. Diam! 

07 March 2014

Respect

Knowing the fact that I am the one who started being disrespectful indirectly to my list of VIPs, I feel like killing my soul to the deepest layer of frustration, which full of contaminated stupidity and maturity.

Almighty Lord, I failed. Now let the angels carve the sculpture for the wedding gift, as I couldn't afford to pay for my endless friendship.

22 February 2014

How Critical Thinker Deal With Pain?

At the end of the day, people don't give a damn about how critical you analyze your own decision now, and how frustrated you are with your past decision.

Let it be. 

21 February 2014

Almighty Lord Along The Road

I'm that close when I'm about to hit the dog, and I chose to stop. Lord knows how the spirit split and scattered all over the road.

At the end of the day, the passenger, the other driver and the neighbour, don't give a fuck how scared and terrified you are.

Be bold, don't lose control.


15 February 2014

Talian Nur

Kadang-kadang ada banyak benda yang nak ditanya, tapi tak dapat dilontar dengan tepat, lantas membuatkan kau tersalah mentafsir lalu menjadi bahan ketawa yang panjang dibelakangku. Mungkin bukan didepan rakan-rakanmu, tapi mungkin di satu sudut otak kanan atau kirimu.

Terserah.
Sebab kau yang pantang menyerah.

Kata Abah, aku memang ada masalah komunikasi penyebab aku selalu disalah-erti lalu dimanipulasi!

Bagi aku, komunikasi adalah refleksi 'percaya', bukan keinginan dalam keterpaksaan tapi yang lahir jujur dari hati. 

Bila kau bercakap tentang disalah-erti, itu bukan masalah komunikasi. Itu masalah peribadi. Konflik diri sendiri, tak ada kena mengena dengan third-party.

Semalam, aku tanya diri sendiri :

Apa perasaan seorang anak kepada seorang doktor bila sakit terpaksa dihantar ke klinik yang bukan milik bapanya?

Apa perasaan seorang ibu kepada seorang tukang masak bila si anak memberi kejutan makan malam sempena hari jadi di sebuah hotel mewah?

Apa perasaan seorang isteri kepada seorang guru kebangsaan yang anak mereka dihantar ke sekolah international?

Apa perasaan seorang kekasih kepada seorang penyanyi bila lagu yang didengar tidak berkenaan langsung dengan dirinya?

Hidup memang selalu disalah-erti.
Sebab kita bukan TUHAN yang mampu membaca semua isi hati.



13 February 2014

10 February 2014

Life, as being dramatized.

Few weeks ago during the fight
She cried day and night
Not until she realized
She's so weak without him by herside.

Ignoring the family-bonding-issue that terrified
Struggling with the inner thought inside
When the father wants him to die
Why she wants him alive?

Obviously she's not losing her mind.

Later
She intended to win both sides
So that nobody left behind
As she hardly justified
Love cannot be simply jeopardize, or to sacrifice.

05 February 2014

Si Pencuri



Dia bilang, 

"Bila kali terakhir kita ambil gambar berdua?"

Aku diam. Duduk keras paksa otak kerja kuat sebab nak ingat. Bila?

Mungkin suatu hari nanti bila kau dah mula terima yang aku memang suka ambil gambar curi, mungkin kau dah tak tanya aku lagi. Sampai bila-bila pun aku takkan berhenti jadi pencuri. Sebab kau pun sama macam aku...pencuri.

Pencuri hati.


31 January 2014

Folk Dua Balut - Ayam Fared

lebuhraya utara selatan
bulan, di luar pandangan
hijau pekat langit malam
se-pocong, lagi dia bakarkan

atas jalan seorang
nyanyian, jadi kawan
di kawasan angin lintang
dia, jadi penentang

papan tanda berwajah lembu
berteman slogan hati-hati memandu
bas-bas ekspres dan kereta mewah empat pintu
diteman pemandu penghisap syabu

kenderaan berat ikut kiri
nyanyian, tiba-tiba terhenti
khayal yang tak berlabuh
(tak tertanding) hadlaju, seratus sepuluh

pocong felda tinggal separuh
(bukan) alasan, untuk mengeluh
walau tiga sempadan telah ditempuh
jalan, masih jauh

sejuk pun mengunyah rasa
malam pasang, tanpa purnama
nyanyian yang kembali bergema
memaksa dia, tinggalkan lebuhraya

dan dengan setengah upaya
dia ke jalan tak pernah rata
dengan setengah putus asa
dia tetap yang durhaka

- Ayam Fared

26 January 2014

Hypokrites

6 makhluk berkongsi jiwa dan hati,
Masih bertahan melawan segala masalah yang puki,
Masih bertahan dengan kehendak realiti yang babi,
Terus sabar menanti kesudahan yang tak pasti,
Pada seorang hamba yang menjual diri,
Yang menghamba sebagai seorang theatre-activist,
Yang sanggup ketepikan self-priority,
Untuk 6 makhluk yang masih belum boleh berdiri.

TUHAN, selamatkan kami.
Apa berkongsi cinta pun kau tak sudi?



25 January 2014

Nobody's Home

"Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place"

24 January 2014

Her Wish : The Shadow

You imagine that she's just as pure as ever. 
But I have been known to shake her bones yeah we've been known to shudder and moan together. 
I am not the problem. You are. 

I love her. She loves me. I thought you should know.

08 January 2014

From Kawthaung to Koh Tao


Jai (Thai), the langsi guesthouse owner in Ranong ended up as Las Ketchup parody to ourselves.


Saddam Michael (Burmese), a local who fight to survive in his own land being a tourist guide besides sharing the business opportunity by selling Viagra.



Hussein (Burmese), unofficial photographer on the rusty deck who made me smile sheepishly when he started to say some words in loghat utara.



Ubei (Burmese), the naive kampong boy who thought we were lost and lead us back home and the one who almost got cheated by Pocong Felda.



Basida (Pakistani), sweetest girl in Kawthaung who enjoy rolling the sugarcane machine manually and maybe that's the reason Ubei don't mind paying us the drink?



Fon (Thai), kind hearted bartender in Chumphon who fight for us to get on the night boat which we ended up getting frozen in our own sleeping bag after stargazing on the most upper deck, and I shall say this is the best stargazing moment so far!



Mike (German), who brave enough trusting us, let us rent his bicycles without deposit and as penalty for the late return after 24-hours of renting we got the snorkelling gear to spend our evening, how is that possible? We don’t know.



Becky (Thai), a sophisticated young diver master in Koh Tao that's not selling herself cheap and somehow bridging the gap between the locals and outsiders, bravo!



Luke (English), the camping site owner who welcome us the uninvited guest by serving hot tea and cool enough to let us stay and enjoy the view on top of the hill. 



Anna Maris (France), 68 years old pleasant woman who tough enough to hike alone with the help of the trekking poles and the one who keeps on giving compliment to us because we chose to ride with bicycle not with motorbike!



Johanna (Sweedish), who crazy enough to approach us by saying, "You guys are beautiful, I saw both of you so many times, fuck it I'm gonna say hi!" and we ended up dancing, laughing and celebrating New Year together with John, the copy writer for a magazine and his fiancée, Anna the one who fight for human-rights, together with Maarten from Belgium, Sam the stuntman coordinator from Australia and...what else who else should I mentioned? So many!



Not to forget the locals who survive to serve the people on their own land with massage, tattoo, banana shake and pancake, pad thai, pork, fire play, laughing gas, lantern, cabaret, and especially the old lovely couple at the construction site for somehow making someone feel belonging and wanted...at least.



Last but not least, the unexpected wrap-up session at  Farang Bar with a stranger from England who lives in France who ended being our messenger to each other, and later became an old drunk man to a lazy boy and a spoiled brat Disney girl. Merci, Patrick.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7rhMqTQ4WI